Week 6

I knew this was coming.  I could have written this last night or two days ago.

I gained weight. 

Starting weight: 272 lbs.
Current weight: 260.7 lbs.
Weekly loss: +2 lbs.
Total loss: 11 lbs.

For the first time in 6 weeks I gained weight.  After my realization last week about eating my way through the weekends, I made a decision that I wasn't going to do that.  And I didn't.  But I also didn't really watch my food intake for the week and I certainly didn't exercise.  I wanted to lose a big number this week because I'm going on vacation next week and needed a weight buffer.

I'm disappointed that I didn't try this week.  I've still lost more than 10 pounds but I hate the fact that I crossed back into the 260's.  But instead of giving up, I will keep going.  Obviously there will be ups and downs on this journey as there are in any facet of life.  No one said this was going to be easy.

Short term goal #1:  Get back into the 250's before I leave for vacation on Monday.
Short term goal #2:  Return from vacation still in the 250's.  (I.E. Don't gain weight!)

Naive

Last week I wrote about balance.  I was quite naive to think that finding balance would come so quickly.  The first three weeks of Amy Gets Healthy I was so committed and determined.  I counted calories and measured portions and I just had the mentality that once I hit those calories I was done eating for the day.  I didn't allow myself any treats for the first two weeks and I didn't seem to miss them.  

But somewhere between then and now it seems I've misplaced my balance.  My weigh in day is Thursday which means I typically spend Friday and Saturday "celebrating" the weight I have lost with food.  How screwed up is that?  I guess I figure that the weekends don't count and that I can get back on track by the following Thursday.  Even if this is the case, I am still sabotaging my weight loss.  Imagine what my weight loss might be if I didn't have to re-lose the pound I gained over the weekend.

I really do want to commit and hit my long term goal but I just can't seem to get my head on straight.  

     

Chocolate Chips and Dress Shopping

If you said, "Hey Amy, what are you doing right now?"  I would lie to you and say, "nothing" when in fact I am eating chocolate chips straight from the bag.  This is me being totally honest.  My cheat meal on Friday (pasta with tomato cream sauce and chicken) turned into a cheat weekend.  But today is Monday which is was a perfect day to start anew.

Cue Monday morning weigh in.

Up one pound from last official weigh in on Thursday.  Then I spent the morning dress shopping for a black tie optional wedding I have coming up at the end of the summer.  I went to David's Bridal hoping that I could find something fancy enough and walk out of the store with it.  I loaded up my dressing room with 1,000 dresses and got to work.  Well.  I know that sizes in every store are different but last summer I bought a size 20 dress for a wedding. (It was Jersey so much more forgiving than a formal fitted dress.)  I gathered a bunch of size 20s and threw in some size 22s for good measure.  The 20s were a no go and the 22s zipped but were snug.  I even tried on a size 24 which was much more comfortable but the strapless tops were way too big.

In the end I spent an hour and a half feeling bad about myself and left without a dress.  Dresses were non-returnable and I didn't want to pay to have the size 24 altered and the size 22 left me feeling like a sausage.

Sigh.

Last summer when I was looking for dresses to wear to a wedding, I vowed that I would lose weight so that when it came time to buy a dress for this summer's wedding it would be an easy and fun task. Obviously that didn't happen. One of my goals (aside from a number on the scale) in losing weight is just to be able to walk into a regular store and pick out any dress or outfit I want.  Buying dresses at 264 pounds is not fun. I can't choose colors or styles, I simply have to chose any dress that fits.

So back to the chocolate chips.  I know that eating them is not going to help me achieve my goals.  I don't even know why I am eating them. Because they taste good? Because I've lost that initial motivation to be healthy? Because the cravings have finally hit me (after 3 weeks)?

Arg.  I can see no positives in today.

 

On Balance

I've come to the realization that I have to change my lifestyle if I want to lose weight and maintain that loss.  In the past I saw no problem with ordering pizza and chasing it with ice cream every Friday night.  After all...it was the weekend.  In the back of my mind, I knew it was unhealthy but I didn't care.  It was easy and it tasted great.  But the time has come to make some real life changes.  I'm not even going to pretend that I'll never have pizza and ice cream again (because I will) but it should be and will be done in moderation.  Making grilled pizza with homemade dough is quite different than ordering calzones from Bertuccis.  And grabbing soft serve while visiting friends is not the same as keeping a gallon of mint cookie ice cream in the freezer (even if it is slow churned).

I am a very all or nothing type of person.  In the past when I've made attempts to lose weight, I would severely restrict calories and spend every second of my free time working out.  I quickly became obsessed and it was all I could think about.

When I started One Thirty Six I began counting calories and measuring portions.  I honestly had no idea how many calories I was actually eating.  But like many times in the past, I quickly became obsessed.  I was neurotic about weighing my food to make sure that I was eating exactly 56g of grapes.  But here is what I've realized: while losing weight has to be a priority for me right now, I cannot allow it to take over my life.  I should not cancel social engagements because I am anxious about what I will eat.  I need to be smart, educate myself on what is healthy, plan ahead and make good choices.  And when I stumble and eat a pint of coffee Haagen-Dazs in two days, I don't need to beat myself up and get discouraged.  Instead I need to acknowledge that it's probably too early in my journey to keep ice cream in the freezer.

It's all about finding a balance.  A balance between enjoying food and eating for nourishment.  I'm sure that over time my idea of balance will change but for now these are the loose guidelines I will be following:

* Protein, fruit, veggies, and water every day.  No exceptions.

* Exercise at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes.

* One pasta meal a week. (I could eat pasta every day for the rest of my life.)

* One cheat meal a week.  (We'll see if this is valuable or detrimental.)

   

The Dreaded Week 2

Last week, I made the commitment to live a healthy and active life.  The initial excitement and anticipation is starting to wear off and now I'm questioning my ability to accomplish my goals.  During week one, I focused mainly on my diet.  I ate lots of fruits and veggies and eliminated all sweets.  I was surprised by my ability to just turn off my need desire for ice cream.  I dropped six pounds and was elated.  Every morning I would wake up eager to jump on the scale and see what I had lost.

Naturally, as I approach the second week of my new life, counting calories alone is not resulting in the rapid success of week one.  Did my body really adjust to its new calorie intake in just one week?  I would think that a 266 pound body would still drop weight on 1500 calories per day.

In the past, I've benefited most from a combination of diet and exercise but I'm finding it hard to get myself moving.  I make excuse after excuse...it's hot...it's humid...I have no one to walk with.  I know that I feel better after I exercise so I think at this point it's just a matter of getting into a routine.  If I wake up every day and go for a walk first thing, eventually it should become habit...right?